My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
Randomize
