Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
1 stripper is 160/hr. 2 strippers is 280/hr. it would be fiscaly irresponsible to only get one.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Randomize
