My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
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