So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
