MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
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