i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
it's like iHOP with fire
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
Randomize
