I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize
