My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
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