Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
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