This dress was meant to end up on your floor
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
please don't ironically join a cult
Randomize
