My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
The visine ive been using for four yrs expired. in sept. of 2001.....i will never question my eye problems again.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
