she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
Randomize
