you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
This is my life. Enjoy the view
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
