You smell like a Billy Joel song
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
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