the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
Randomize
