So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
He shit in the fireplace
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
Randomize
