Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
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