tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
