i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Randomize
