Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
I think I just shit out all my problems.
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
