it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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