i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Randomize
