I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
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