new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize
