my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
the liver wants what the liver wants
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Randomize
