Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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