What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
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