Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
