My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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