Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
Randomize
