The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
