2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
We have started to decorate penises.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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