the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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