You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
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