I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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