My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
I think youre just another guy trying to take advantage of a young naive innocent girl
you're not innocent... Once you have taken it in the turd cutter you can't label yourself innocent.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
