forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
Randomize
