I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Randomize
