I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
