she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
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