All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
This baby is an asshole
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
