I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
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