If it were my dying wish, would you come over 2nite 2 save me?:):):) wana come anyways?
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
Randomize