someone threw a dead crab at me
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
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