I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
Randomize
