I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
