And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
I'm in your bed right now
Okay meet you there give me 10
Don't think you can make me leave either
Give me ten I ha e to be ******'s wingman I want you
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
