I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
oh god was she eating orange peels again
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Randomize
