Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
Randomize
