I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Randomize
