I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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