whats the name of the jew you used to have sex with that lives on evergreen?
be more specific...?
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Randomize
