I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
