Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
Randomize
