So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
Girls should come with a carfax report
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
