i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
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