I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
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